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The Unbearable Heaviness of Being

My quest for the eternal lightness

Category Archives: prayer



God, give me once more the courage to hope.
Fertilize my barren mind.
Let me hope again.


…I don’t want to devalue the meaning of hope. I don’t want it to be a ‘simple’ answer that inhibit us from taking up our responsibility for pressing issues. That it becomes a ‘diffendo!’ or ‘anervate!’ magical spell that I call out when shit happens, and everything will be fine.

At least I could understand that the hopelessness intensifies the cry for ‘salvation’ (whatever it means). But I am not ready to turn that into an emotional trap – that I am just waiting to be saved from this hopelessness.

Grant me a glimpse, grant me a single glimpse into something perfect, something completely developed, something happy, powerful, triumphant, from which there is still something to fear!

royalnikah.jpgA glimpse of hope.

I said a silent prayer for The Raja Muda of Perak, Raja Nazrin Shah as he sealed his marriage covenant with now Raja Puan Besar Perak, Tuanku Zara Salim Davidson. In a rare expression of royal simplicity and charity, the prince has inspired (in his small ways)  the hope for a new kingdom and a new rule for the subjects of Perak, and beyond. A kingdom in which public funds are not coveted, banquet guests are orphans, children and common folk (people of no political leverage), and a king who passionately declares, “Malaysians of all races, religions, and geographic locations need to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have a place under the Malaysian sun.”

I join in with the millions who secretly crave for the coming of this kingdom.

I left home after coffee last night feeling sad for my friend – an intelligent young man who touched my heart with his sincere search for an authentic relationship with the divine creator. Sad because his connection with his faith community was brief and painful.

I sat down and prayed. I needed to know how I could connect with all this. Then again, how many people have I stumbled along the way….

news.jpgI could use some goodnews today.

I am despaired by the drowning effect of dogmatism. In the polarized community that I am in, there is an endless quest of ‘winning over’ others. The quest of putting together the winning team. ‘Synagogues’ of the ‘jews’ of today vigorously pass out the antidote to our messiness and our lostness. I am baffled by the breathtaking ‘solutions’ that seem to be a real high calling. But I despise the refusal of these solutions to embrace part of my ‘gentile-ness’. Simple goodness and kindness is insufficient. The real answer lies in the race to the finishing line. And all claimed to know where that line lies. In fact while the need to decide the line becomes the central issue, the struggle to embody sincere kindness becomes secondary, sometimes trivialized and worse, forgotten.

How can an average ‘gentile’ like me fit into this whole system? The finishing line is too distant for me to envision. For now, I have my ‘leprosy’ to deal with. In the darkest moments of loneliness, my body is dissolving into nothingness. I have the zealots telling me to go wage war for my liberation. I have my teachers of the law who tells me that I have not gotten ‘certain’ things right- the exact prescription to still qualify me for the finishing line. I have Herod who tells me ‘resistance is futile’. And of course I have ‘pagans’ (who knows) who draws me to other ‘mysticisms’.  

What would be the goodnews for me in this mess? If I would re-imagine a savior for this lostness of humanity who’d bring the message of salvation and redemption, what would that message be?

I am imagining, desperately hoping for the goodnews.