Skip to content

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being

My quest for the eternal lightness

Category Archives: divine

I feel a little in the ‘mystical mood’ today. 

The ‘sufism’ tradition in Islam seeks the experiential knowledge of the divine unity – by letting go of notions of duality. In Zen, attainment of enlightenment (consciousness of the divine) – the merging of human and the divine through silent and mindful meditations, often requiring abandonment of the conceptual thinking and of the dualistic way one orders the world.

From the Jewish Kabbalistic thought:  …the true essence of G-d is so transcendent that it cannot be described. This true essence of G-d is ‘without end’, which encompasses the idea of His lack of boundaries in both time and space; yet this essence interacts with the universe through its emanations which are all interconnected.

The Rebbe’s teaching on ‘Oneness through the Kabbalah’ seeks to integrate our reality and G-d’s reality, to see how they are really one -attaining peace between our own body and soul, between us and G-d. (Uniting heaven and earth).

What could it have also meant then, when one says, the Father (G-d) and I are One?


True friendship is a window to seeing the the divine. It points me to faith, hope and love. It is to me an invitation to trust again. It teaches me to listen, to smile, to cry, and to pray.



We sat and ate, we talked, we laughed and we cried. Somewhere along our own journeys, this sacred communion has changed us. 

Doctor Lessing! Where are you going?

Urgent telegram. I must go to Berlin immediately.
What are these flowers?

They’re for your departure.

I’ll take just one. I’ll take it to my wife: Guido’s flower.
I truly enjoyed myself with you.
You’re the most ingenious…waiter I’ve ever come across.

Thank you. You’re the customer with the most culture I’ve ever served.

Thank you.

Good-bye, Doctor Lessing.

By the way.
“If you say my name…I’m not there anymore. Who am I?”

If you say my name, I’m not there anymore.
What is it? What did he say?
Beautiful. If you say the word, it’s not there anymore. Silence.

– Life Is Beautiful

When we are frightened, or unsure of ourselves, we don’t like ambiguities. When I am frightened into believing that the name of God is so holy, that one is not worthy to call and shall die when beholding, then YHWH will be the name feared most. Yet, beautiful is that name when the name simply means I AM WHO I AM. If you say my name, it is not there anymore; it no longer is. A name revered most. 

Perhaps then, life will indeed be beautiful. When I AM WHO I AM is not about how much accurate words are put into discourse (there is none). That perhaps, we could merely attempt to listen, to feel, to live, to be part of, to observe and to multiply all that.

I am still recovering from my ‘active’ weekend. Sat through a meeting this afternoon with my head spinning…had lots of juices since the morning.

Some interesting conversations during the weekend. I am still processing them.

  1. That we inevitably put God in a box. Inevitable because we need to define God in a way that we can talk about God within our culture. To speak of the divine within a framework that is imaginable, connectable and acceptable.
  2. To speak of God as a being, i.e. father is to limit God. My friend reminded me that there are those in ancient times who connected with God through statutes – that God is not spoken of as a person. Still, others through sound and light.  
  3. That I cannot find any value that is exclusively of a particular faith. In the sense that the way to God (the right way that is) requires our embracing of certain values. But what values then? I am inclined to think that values are that which hold a community together. Some values are cultural. These values may sometimes seem to contradict from one culture to another. Others are universal – but simply not religious. 
  4. We want to understand God as a definitive. Controlled and well defined parameters. Morality is one of the parameters. Is it? What are other parameters? 

By now my head is feeling much better. Thanks to coffee.

Palm oil price swelled another rm50 today. It’s been up more than rm300 in just 2 weeks. Greed is what makes us lose our sleep. We are upset that we have sold rm20 lower. Now that we have sold at the high we are afraid that it could be another rm200 higher. Hhmm…..and we are already making a profit of rm1800 every tonne. What better job can I find myself in?

news.jpgI could use some goodnews today.

I am despaired by the drowning effect of dogmatism. In the polarized community that I am in, there is an endless quest of ‘winning over’ others. The quest of putting together the winning team. ‘Synagogues’ of the ‘jews’ of today vigorously pass out the antidote to our messiness and our lostness. I am baffled by the breathtaking ‘solutions’ that seem to be a real high calling. But I despise the refusal of these solutions to embrace part of my ‘gentile-ness’. Simple goodness and kindness is insufficient. The real answer lies in the race to the finishing line. And all claimed to know where that line lies. In fact while the need to decide the line becomes the central issue, the struggle to embody sincere kindness becomes secondary, sometimes trivialized and worse, forgotten.

How can an average ‘gentile’ like me fit into this whole system? The finishing line is too distant for me to envision. For now, I have my ‘leprosy’ to deal with. In the darkest moments of loneliness, my body is dissolving into nothingness. I have the zealots telling me to go wage war for my liberation. I have my teachers of the law who tells me that I have not gotten ‘certain’ things right- the exact prescription to still qualify me for the finishing line. I have Herod who tells me ‘resistance is futile’. And of course I have ‘pagans’ (who knows) who draws me to other ‘mysticisms’.  

What would be the goodnews for me in this mess? If I would re-imagine a savior for this lostness of humanity who’d bring the message of salvation and redemption, what would that message be?

I am imagining, desperately hoping for the goodnews.