April 9, 2008 Punching little Jimmy
2008 : Joel
I’m sitting on the bed in a hotel room with the tv switched on. Having ordered my in-room dining and while waiting, I flipped through the tv channels with half the focus on my MacBook screen, trying to catch up on some news back home. Pigs are making headlines the last couple of days. Heated debates are mounting; which pig farm should go and which should stay, of course along with the pigs on the farms. One of the headlines read: ‘Lost in polls: pigs made victims’.
Sometimes I wonder if pigs are created to expose the stupidity of man.
I’ve been up since five this morning and have travelled for the last fourteen hours behind a 4 wheeler before checking into this run down facility near the port. In 6 hours, I’ll be catching a ferry back to meet you because you promised to make me a card for my birthday. Just so you know, if I get drowned into the waters tomorrow, this note is going to be the only remaining memory of me, that you, my nephew might possibly run into when you learn to connect yourself to the www. If I live long enough to pen volumes of these memories, I might just hand you the link to this blog personally, and that’s if my sis would be too busy to restrain your cyber indulgence.
I’m excited, because it’s actually the first birthday card you would have ever written to me. You made it clear that there’ll be no gifts. Just a card.
Wrapped up gifts and cards are not really a part our family. When I was younger, only twice I made birthday cards. One for my grandmother and one for yours. Our relationship with my grandmother was scathing. Dad, her son, would often stay out despite being seized as the reason for most of the fall-outs. When dad absconded one day, we moved in with grandmother and encroached into her ‘space’. Mom blamed dad for abandoning the family but grandmother said mom had to pay the price for marrying the wrong man. A verbal warfare ensued. Grandmother had a mild heart attack soon after. Mom became the prime target. Linda, your grand-aunt led the assault. We moved out. Our relationship became superficial thereafter. Dad returned years later.
Once, I questioned your decision in giving little Jimmy a punch. I asked you if he had scribbled on your shirt during class. Your mom was quick to add that you should have been more forgiving. You’ll soon see that even adults struggle with punching our ‘little Jimmies’ too. Hurting words and actions can severe relationships permanently. We are never told that, forgiveness could sometimes be so ****ed up, it’s like we are all sucked into this hour glass, turned upside down over and over again.
The second card which I made for your grandmother – it was a Mother’s Day project by the youth group in the church I once was part of. Unlike many, she’s never impressed by cards. Partly because she couldn’t read. I tried giving her flowers. She thought it was a waste of money. Now, I take her for beer on her birthdays instead, and we both are happy.
Here’s the thing. I think we are all trying to change something through you. Provoked, irritated and insulted by our own pasts, we are tempted to repaint our mistakes by imagining life through you. The cards, with lovely pictures and messages, the hugs and the kisses; they represent our failures, and our hopes to seeing relationships reignited in our lifetime in a more meaningful way. That too, can be ****ed up.
* * * * * * *
A cockroach just crawled across my bed. Perhaps it’s the lingering smell from the fried rice I had. I’m distracted. There’s just so much thoughts in my mind. I think I am starting to miss you already.
- 9 comments
- Posted under Notes to Joel
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whoami
said
Gosh this note is heart wrenching…more so when Joel reads this when he can only ‘see’ you by visuals in his mind or those imprinted by technology….I am not Joel but when I read this note I can feel how seeped it is with nostalgic heaviness, sadness, glimpses of hope,smiles and certainly…love.
Perhaps I can relate to it cos my life (past, present)is also psychedelic, taking different colours and shapes of pain, heaviness, hope, helplessness. I am glad the kinetics of emotions and reactions have not only brought pain but glimpses of laughter and euphoria that people like you take the time to help kickstart some turnings in my life.
This posting is particularly meaningful to me today cos as you relate to Joel, I drew a parallel with the Joels,Jimmys and close family in my life. The thoughts that stabbed me before reading this was “being nice is not working….stop it for goodness sake…free yourself….infuse this thing that rhymes with witch into your veins”….to be precise I told myself I should start asserting like a bitch….guess you know which area of my life I was directing at….frankly I have a problem with this…before I can hurl any words at him, I am already paranoid with the ‘pain’ and silence that drowns him into recluse….do you call this a ****ed up situation?!!
By the way grandma at least told you what she thought about your card and flowers….I am still waiting for some remarks on the “card” I gave you….right now it seems like a monologue…when I am so used to dialogue with you :p
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Justy
said
A damn sweet entry, mate 🙂
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lil' jennie
said
If Joel can read this now and understand it, he’ll probably give you a big bear hug and know why. You get one from me too 🙂
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Razlan
said
I might be missing the entire point of this post here, but this statement speak out LOUD to me: “Sometimes I wonder if pigs are created to expose the stupidity of man.”
And you know why!
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lianghin
said
Razlan…I don’t want to assume here…but you feel in some way connected to this statement? but in what way again?
justy, thanks mate 🙂
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lianghin
said
lil’ jennie, i get a bear hug from him everyday though.
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lianghin
said
whoami, i like what you said about starting to assert like a bitch. er….let’s put it this way: i did not expect it. but it sounds perfectly beautiful???? 😀
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petrina7
said
happy belated birthday. it’s been awhile since i last heard from you. i hope you’re doing well.
take care. and for what it’s worth, the second chances you talk about do mean something. because no act of love is ever wasted.
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lil' jennie
said
i’m waiting to read another entry from you soon…the one you were talking about. not in the “mood” yet to finish it? 🙂 i need to read something light hearted nowadays. am actually reading one right now…truly enjoying it..haha….the house chores aside of course.