This space has been left idle for months – a state of perfection by Nietzsche’s standard. Of course,  my life on the other hand is a far cry from such coveted perfection – but certainly not a sorry one at that. For those of you who asked – it’s been a long 8 months since moving to Singapore and I still find it hard to describe how I feel about working in the city-state.

But there’s no reason to complain.

No, I don’t have problems with food in Singapore - in fact, some can be surprisingly tasty – my favorite being Bak Kut Teh at Yangoon Road – which I personally prefer to the ones I find back home. Of course, there’s the whole re-adjustment to getting in earlier for work. And then there’s the all-important question of whether  ’Am I attending any church’ – No. Why? Cause I’m contemplating embracing Islam?

Quite a bit of travel for work. Been to the Scandinavian region twice so far. The cold climate is probably the reason Finns develop the love for sauna - and they really like it hot (nothing lower than 80 deg C ). Here’s a real treat after a hard day’s work:  a couple of beer with your boss and colleagues, then head to the sauna for a ‘male bonding’ session in full Finnish style – bare nudity. A very humbling experience indeed - for the boss that is! Trust me, they take offence if you refuse the invitation. And after sauna, more beer.

I work for a Finnish State-Owned Oil & Gas Company – under its Renewable Fuels Division. Workload is bearable, but I relish the opportunity I get to meet with environmental and social NGO’s, as well as government bodies who are stakeholders in our business. I learnt that doing things right is not sufficient – you have to communicate them, and communicate right you must. As I strive to deliver results I’m constantly challenged to engage constructively in our approach while keeping a balance between the sustainable progress vs poverty alleviation debate. Business ethics are constantly tested.  Like religious fanatics, NGO’s would sometimes turn to emotions rather than facts. 

Holidays – I enjoyed Rome. Loud Italians, busy piazzas, quiet chapels, gelato, espresso, cheese, authentic home-made pasta, and of course – good wine. I’m no lover of paintings, but the visit to Sistine Chapel was most breathtaking, though a little too commercial now after Dan Brown’s mischievous expose. Felt good that I have finally taken the ‘lofty’ quest where ’angels’ guided me to the path of illuminati ‘cross the city. Apart from Rome, I’ve also managed trips to Brussels, Estonia, HK and Paris.

So there you have it, a quick and brief update from me. Otherwise, I’ll be: 

1. Looking forward to moving into my own place

2. Travelling to Indonesia for plantation visits

3. Snow skiing in Korea - if they get snow already in November

4.Hearing from Joel as he’s starting his Year 1 in SMI – it’s been 7 years already??!!!

5. Heading home for my brother’s wedding in February – which means my mum’s turning the heat on me to be next

The self-proclaimed decendant of god went to the desert and fasted for 40 days, and claimed (or rather it was claimed) that he conversed with the devil himself. I mean, afterall Woland in The Master and Margarita did say he was there through it all, just before Berlioz’s head was severed from his body, didn’t he? So maybe that was it. It was the fasting that sent the man into hallucination and perhaps even insanity which then later caused such an uproar in the city. So massive was the outcry that it sent a shudder down Caesar’s spine. Arrest him by no means. Arrested him they did.

Let’s admit it. No lesser men had fasted and insisted that they were one with the divine. Prophets we called them. So perhaps the minister have had a dream lately. And in that dream he too met Woland. And perhaps we believe the minister is about to go insane. And the whole city is going insane, or is it the case that the whole essence of the ’soviet council’ of the state is such abomination that has invited the visit of the devil, and that the comrades in uniform are going berserk arresting everyone and putting them in the mental institution?

It was a great speech, to which my friend once proclaimed “Alhamdulillah”. Oh how we took to heart his resounding call:

“We cannot morally turn our backs on the fundamental responsibility of ensuring that all stakeholders in our society, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, have a place under the sun.”

“Only those who are capable, responsible and scrupulously honest should be allowed to serve in positions of leadership. Those who are inefficient, incompetent and, most importantly, corrupt should be held in absolute contempt. There must also be concrete anti-corruption measures and management practices based on efficiency, transparency and accountability. It is also very important that we have leaders who are earnest in maintaining unity, never resorting to religious or ethnic posturing to further their political careers at the expense of peace and security. Should they fail in this respect, they must be held accountable and answerable before the law.”

“It is only when citizens are also stakeholders will there be the widest sense of ownership of problems and challenges”

“You must take personal ownership over the wellbeing of the country. Do not succumb to indifference and apathy. Hold on to your ideals. Do not give way to cynicism and opportunism. Believe that you can make a difference. Channel your energies in a constructive manner to bring about positive changes around you.”

What has all that come to today???!!! AN APATHETIC I DON’T WANT TO GET INVOLVED IN THIS!!!!!

Walking along the pavement, I zig-zagged across a couple of quiet lanes, leading away from the otherwise buzzing market place to the cozy little wine bar along a block of boring bank outlets. Bankers were clocking off and locking up for the day. Each were setting off towards different directions. They looked up, only for a moment, gestured a quick goodbye and hurried off in their vehicles. Not unlike most evenings, the bar was already feeling jazzy as I made my entry. And like most evenings, I was greeted by familiar faces, mostly of regulars who stopped by to chill out before heading home.

It’s seven and I was winding down. With the stirrings of complex tannin of oak and berries, the sting of inebriety, I was detached from the laughters and intense conversations beleaguering me. It was an alluring moment, the swinging between soberness and drunkenness, which is enough to keep me from regretting my existence.

I twirled the glass and inhaled. Then I pictured Joe. I have never known anyone by that name. Joe, after an intense session of love making, is lying on his partner’s bed. He is visualizing each of his partner’s movement in the shower as he listened in to the sound of changing rhythm of water rushing down onto the bathroom floor after coming in contact with the body. He could feel the erectile strength returning to his penis. He savored his thoughts. From the outset, it was the secrecy of the relationship that was appealing to him, as if it was the only truth he could live by. Joe had met his partner months ago when he was having martini at the hotel lounge. It was then, when the prostitute approached him that he suddenly felt the strength to be weak.

Back in the room, Joe suddenly thinks of his wife, who is like him, also lying on a bed alone. He throws on his clothes, left some money on the bed and headed for the door. It’s almost 4 in the morning. But he knew very well that he will come back again.

Another bottle of boujalaise would be just fine. Then it’s time for me to go, though it’s still way before midnight. Looking over to a mirror across the table, I examined my face and I began to wonder how long more before I should start with some facial work to keep the lines from being visible to others. I looked beyond the reddened epidermis which wraps over the essence of me, a superficial representation of me, beneath which a soul rests. That surface which I have come to be recognized, that which is constantly rejuvenated and maintained at its best, for all to see. And I thought about how much my face reveals the real me? It’s a thought that is intoxicating in itself. It was this thought that has aroused a sense of suspicion in me, and this suspicion was what gave birth to the character of Joe.

The room at the rear of our old house never failed to ignite a spark of excitement in me whenever a conversation on ‘your most memorable experience’ pops up. It was a room I shared with my older brother. We would play soccer in the room, toppling down the table fan and shattering a couple of window panes, oblivious to our mother’s screams from the adjoining kitchen. She’d hurl threats, yelling in our family dialect, “I’ll break your limbs and shove them up your asses if you both don’t stop your nonsense now!”

Once, in a frenzy attempt to replicate Norman Whiteside’s curling-shot freekick, my brother sent the ball towards the pendarfluor tube by the side wall. As pieces of the tube came crashing down, we were certain that we had unleashed a curse upon ourselves. The ball finally succumbed to our mother’s chopping knife. The lights were never replaced for the subsequent months as a reminder not to test mother’s patience again. We foretasted what it’ll feel like to be thrown into the dark where there’s gnawing of teeth. 

Stepping into a pitch black room at sundown was no real big deal. At least not until we were greeted by the smell of rotting corpse one night. We ransacked our room, with X-files like flashlights in search of a dead rat but reported negative from our search. The cat was let out of the bag the following day, when we had maggots falling off the ceiling. Feline – as it turned out, there were a couple of dead, decomposing kittens lying up on the ceiling, hidden above the ceiling board – and probably been dead for days. Even as the carcasses were removed, the maggots had already navigated through the entire ceiling floor and waited to fall off like autumn leaves.

We never slept in the room until we moved out years later.

I was reminded of this encounter today when I overheard my colleagues commenting on the political coup in my homestate. The usurpers were likened to carcasses that were rotting to its core.

Yet, I was just thinking, unlike usual, where the eternal recurrence of retelling this story was one laughable matter, I was thinking of the whole enactment of the two siblings stood watching maggots falling off the ceiling. That someone deliberately left the carcasses up on the ceiling. And the thought of being locked up in that room, with maggots falling off the ceiling; that’s so fucked up.

But what is so unconstitutional about listening to what the people of Perak really wants? Listen to the roar of the people tonight. Listen to their cries!

God have mercy on us.

One out, 65 to go.

Candle light vigils still on. Here’s where I am headed for this Sunday. Dr Seenivasagam Park, Ipoh @ 8pm. Be there!

Please join this protest for RPK, HINDRAF and other ISA detainess.

“Monetarists claim that the upward trend in interest rates from 1950s to the 1970s was caused by a serious policy error”, the teacher declared before he went on to expound on the LM and IS curves that sent my head spinning imminently. I thought Economics itself was the biggest error the world has ever committed.

She turned to me and asked: You think you’ll be good in bed?

I flushed.

But that was certainly a more engaging question than me attempting to understand interest rates and inflation. After all, I was sure neither Monetarists nor Keynesians could get to a short term/ long term equilibrium at a given point of r_i and explain the formulation of a Crush Theory, of course, the ceteris paribus assumption holds, nevertheless. Do I think I’ll be good in bed? What do you expect a guy to say to that anyway??!!

I still do not know the answer to her query till this day. She won’t either.

I’d like to think of myself as a person who could hold a conversation without hijacking it. I didn’t need assurance when we walked in the park one day. She asked some serious questions to which I gave calculated answers. Answers I have come to regret today. She spoke, but despite that, there were so much more to find out years later. The truth was, everytime we spoke, I was ‘hijacked’. Of course, at the park, like the birds there, we loved the undeterring space, and the cheery mood, casually inspiring one into new songs.

Instead of focusing on the examples of Integration by Partial Fraction worked out on the chalkboard, I was jerked by her “How would you feel if I’d say I like you?” She has a way of breaking into surprising questions like this one. I was glad she asked, though it was purely hypothetical, not any more real than the polynomial functions used by the teacher. Yet, unlike Math, it was all inexpressible in numbers, equations, values and worth. It was just…well, it just was.

Years on and I still fumble, expecting the unexpected queries, thus making myself look foolish sometimes, saying the stupidest things. But there’s something about appearing foolish and stupid. You are not in control and you don’t seem to be able to engage all the defense mechanisms that life has taught you. They just won’t work. You will be left naked and vulnerable. And what baffles you most – it happens over and over again and you keep coming back for more.

I went to the park today and walked for a while, still feeling liberated. As I closed my eyes and listened, it struck me that something was compellingly different. I gazed upwards and looked beyond the canopy. Nothing there. No cheerful songs. Because the birds don’t come here anymore.

Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, I am sure mine is not the only voice of condemnation to the latest move by your government. I am part of the Malaysian electorate and if you want to know, and if you have truly heard, like the many voices of the rakyat who detest the Internal Security Act, I am saying this to you: RELEASE ALL ISA DETAINEES RIGHT NOW!

* * * * * * *

Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, saya pasti ini bukan satu-satunya suara pengecaman keras terhadap langkah kerajaan kamu di saat ini. Ini salah satu daripada suara pengundi di Malaysia, dan sekiranya kamu ingin tahu, dan sekiranya kamu benar-benar memahami, seperti suara-suara rakyat lain yang membenci Akta Keselamatan Dalam Negeri, saya katakan pada kamu: BEBASKAN KESEMUA TAHANAN ISA SEKARANG JUGA!